twiistedrose:

THOUGHTS ON LOVE, HEARTACHE, SELF-WORTH AND LIFE. There have been quite a few times in my life in which I am not proud of. And unfortunately, I cannot say that these incidents were not recent. I have lied. Withheld the truth. Hurt people whom I care about deeply and I am not proud of my actions. I have an ex girlfriend, whom I care about deeply and after being together for three years, of course I still care about her. But unfortunately, I decided that I needed to be on my own and I ended it well over 6 months ago. I did think that I needed to be on my own. That’s not a lie. That’s how I felt. You see, I have this past. A past that is full of bad shit. Rape, beatings, death… You get the gist. I was taught to lie. And I was taught to lie very well but the unfortunate part is that I have brought it into my adult life and this is not a good trait to have. And I am trying to overcome such an awful behaviour. Look, I’m not blaming my past on my actions, I am merely saying that It exists and I don’t do it in a malicious purposeful way. So in saying this, yes, I hurt this beautiful person whom loved me and trusted me by lying. I thought that they were done to protect her. Protect her from hurt. They didn’t. They made it worse. I made it all worse.

I wanted to be alone. And I wanted to experience a single life. But then in April, I met and I started hanging out with this wonderful girl. A musician. A talented singer. A creative person. She seems to understand me. We laugh. A lot. We are playful. We have amazing times together and I feel happy. And comfortable. She gets my dark days. And I understand hers. I have never been with another creative before. And it’s wonderful. And unfortunately I hurt her too. And it’s hard to not hate myself for hurting people around me. But luckily, she is a pretty amazing person and will help me work on my issues. And for those nosey people who want to know… Yes, I am in a relationship with her. And it is a loving and incredibly caring relationship.

Why am I saying all this? Why am I putting myself out on the line? Because I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. I’m flawed. But this is me. Some people are alcoholics, some are drug addicts… I’m a compulsive liar. Finally said it. Finally named it. And haven’t I chosen the perfect career as an actor to allow myself to explore it. Haha.

I can honestly say that because I am now aware I my behaviour, I am making a difference. Since being on my journey, I have been honest and upfront with every interaction that I have had.

Today, I went into the slums of New Delhi and I met some amazingly beautiful people leaving in absolute squalor. And it made me realise how lucky we are. But also we are not so lucky. We take for granted what we have. We have so much. Material objects. Cars, technology, music, movies. Everything and instead of smiling and laughing and being content, we want more and more because it’s available and our friends have it. Imagine living in a room that is about one meter by two meters and a family of 8 sleep in there every night. They smile. They are welcoming. They shake your hand or bow their heads and say ‘Namaste’. They hug you and ask your name. They paint their walls in bright colours like blue and green every month because the colours are beautiful. They bath from a bucket of water every day and are clean and take pride in their appearance. This is ridiculously beautiful.

I am not a bad person. I am a good person. And a beautiful person. People make mistakes but if they work hard enough, you can change your behaviour and become a better person. This is what I am doing. 65 days left of my journey and I have already noticed a difference within myself.

That’s my girl.

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"Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them."
-

Iyanla Vanzant. (via a-beautiful-journey2)

Yes, yes and yes. Relevant to many people for many reasons.

(via dani-cub)

honesty sober

Better yourself.

I finally get to make a new blog post using my brand new iMac. That means less grammatical faux pas’ and hopefully some better explanations in my post. Mmmmmmm sleek design.

Currently I am at 126 days sober. That equates to this…

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Last year I made it to ten months roughly before giving drinking another try, unsuccessfully. It’s nice to take things day by day with the count of sobriety. It’s nice to break things down.

I’m in the throes of a very interesting time at the moment. I’m finally on the other side of a busy few months of performing and touring interstate and I’ve found myself in quite a quiet state. One of my best friends is at Clown Farm just two hours both of Toronto in Canada, another in Byron Bay for Splendour and my beautiful girlfriend is just over 9000 kilometres away in India with her friend. 

I haven’t felt lonely yet and I’m really proud of myself for that. When I feel lonely I find that’s when self-doubt and relying on other people to calculate my self-worth becomes apparent. I’m happy being on my own. I’ve been knitting, playing a lot of music, drawing pictures on the iPad app ‘Paper’ and drinking a lot of coffee. Winston has also been getting some serious quality time with his mum too. 

I’ve had little contact with my lady but the contact we do have is amazing and filled with so much love. I have two and half months left of bettering myself so that I can be the best I can be when she returns. Her journey to India is for a similar reason… You know, confronting demons head on and shit.

Yesterday I did a guided meditation. The theme was Gratitude. My friend,  ’The Clown’, would have laughed when I told him that I got less than a minute in and proceeded to cry the rest of the way through. I guess I’m not a selfish bitch after all. Thoughts of friends, Winston, cooking, the sun… Yeah, I’ve got things pretty sweet.

On drinking though. Feeling pretty good without it. I have been having a few dreams here and there where I am drinking in them. I guess it’s a good thing to acknowledge and be aware of but not read into. I’ve never really been into reading dreams, stars and other bullshit like that.

I’m looking so forward to my girl’s return so that we can continue to be there for each other through the ups and downs. It’s so hice to have a connection like the one we have. I didn’t really think it was possible… Thoughts of being destined to be alone, being ugly, boring… Not anymore. It’s so nice to be with someone who feels like an equal, who you can share the highs and lows with. Blergh yucky mushy shit. I can’t wait until she’s returned safely from her travels.

DAY 126 - DRINKING CAN SUCK A DICK!

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Reflection.

I find every now and then, when I’m in an ok mood, I like to reflect on the successes I have had so far in the year. It’s so easy to just drop into negative thinking and go, I’m 24, I work part time in retail, I quit uni, I’m poor. It’s not very productive though so then I like to look at the things I have achieved.

  • I have learnt many life lessons with regards to relationships and work.
  • My band won a recording publishing deal.
  • I recorded and played a show in Sydney.
  • I’m about to play two shows in Melbourne (one of which is at The Espy).
  • I have met a truly amazing girl that gets me… And I get her.
  • I have done another successful season of a cabaret show and wrote some new songs to go with it.
  • I will finally be buying a new laptop or iMac.
  • I have accepted that sobriety is the lifestyle I have assumed and I am proud of that fact.

There are probably a bunch of other things as well that I can’t remember right now but I’m just trying to acknowledge the things that I am grateful for at this point. I have wonderful loving friends and I appreciate them for everything, even if I don’t get to see a lot of them that often for various reasons.

Be grateful, hold on tight.

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directionless-dreads asked:

I think you're an incredibly strong person and I appreciate your existence. I hope you have a lovely night. :)

Sober, and then what? Answer:

Thank you, that’s very kind.

Just keep swimming :).